Subscribing To Magazines and Watching Gay Movies
by importantly
Summary: John isn't gay. Bobby isn't gay. They just happen to subscribe to the same gay magazine.
1. Accidentally' Lifting and Watching

John's not gay. That's what he says to himself repeatedly. 'I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay.' It gets tiring and embarrassing. Tiring, because he gets embarrassed when he says it in his room, which he shares with Bobby. Embarrassing, because he says it too much and it comes out saying 'I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm gay' with the not muffled out.

Okay, so maybe saying it over and over again doesn't really have any effect to what he's saying. Maybe it's just the truth. But John's not listening with the truth.

These days, when John's in his what-the-fuck-I'm-not-going-to-bother-anymore-with-my-gay-ness kinda mood, Bobby walks in their room. John always fumbles with this magazine he 'accidentally' lifted off this store (he was reaching for a Playboy so he could remind himself of his straight-ness, but some guy bumped him and his hand 'accidentally' reached for a gay magazine).

Today, John is in one of his moods. He picks up the magazine, nonchalantly, and 'accidentally' picks up the gay magazine from under his bed when all the other magazines are on the bookshelf that lacks books. _Oh, what a coincidence. Might as well look at it,_ John thinks.

Bobby walks in as John's fingers are nimbly skimming this guy's inner thigh. John jumps up and the magazine falls on Bobby's feet. Now, John's feeling like he's about to throw up. But he doesn't because that'd be a huge mess and just because he feels like crap, doesn't mean he should actually clean it up. Instead, John flicks open his lighter and throws a fire ball, for lack of a better word, at the magazine, burning the magazine and the tips of Bobby's shoes to ashes.

* * *

Bobby's not gay. That's what he always says. After he caught John looking at the gay magazine, he felt kinda weird. Now Bobby tip toes around, avoiding Rogue (because he doesn't want to hint he's confused) and avoiding John (because he doesn't want to hint he's confused).

A few days after the magazine incident, Bobby flips through the channels. It's after a little movie marathon with Rogue, to his dismay; John, another to his dismay, Kitty, Jubilee, and Peter. The movie marathon was cut short after Jubilee and Rogue started arguing between a horror movie, consisting of all the lacings of blood, murder, and a clown, or a romantic comedy, consisting of the ever-so-popular topic of homosexuality. Weirdly, everyone chose horror. I wonder how that happened, huh?

So after watching the beginning, with the main character getting her head chewed off by her dog, Kitty ran to the bathroom to throw up and Peter went to get more popcorn and never came back (Oh, spooky! Now, where's the dog?). Then when the beautiful girl started eating the dead carcass of the dog that died because of the main character's ghost, Jubilee went to see if she could find a dead dog. And after Jubilee actually found a dead dog on the front lawn and her scream echoed through the mansion, John ran to accompany Kitty in throwing up. So, Bobby stopped the movie and stomped on it because no one should eat a dead dog ever again.

Now Bobby's browsing through some movies. Finding mainly horror, romance, and even more horror (you'd think a mansion this big would get a happy movie!), Bobby gets restless and picks a movie from up off the pile and pops it in. And guess what- it's the romantic gay comedy. What a coincidence!

* * *

The next day, John gets the mail for him and Bobby. He goes through them. Junk mail, junk mail, junk mail. Nothing good. Nothing good ever comes for him or his roommate. John doesn't even bother to look through the rest because who wants to look at more junk?

Just the second John throws the mail on Bobby's bed, Bobby enters. And then John's jaw drops and a few seconds later after registering which piece of mail John's jaw dropped to, Bobby's jaw drops also.

On the cover of the magazine, there's a half-naked man whose arm is slung around another's who only has a piece of cloth to cover his private parts. The magazine is subscribed to Robert Drake.


	2. Linen Cloths and Gay Marriage

"What's that?" Bobby asks.

Bobby's sure that if he convinces John enough that the magazine isn't his then everything's going to be okay. Sure, the magazine is subscribed to him. Sure, his name is practically jumping out from the little address box. But there's a ton of Robert Drakes in the world, that's what Bobby thinks. And if that doesn't work, then he could always say that it's a joke magazine that he was going to give Peter on his birthday.

But that wouldn't work because Bobby knows that Peter's birthday is in seven months.

"That's yours," John says. He's pretty sure that the magazine's Bobby's. He hasn't 'accidentally' lifted another magazine in awhile.

"No, it's not," Bobby persists. He grins widely at John because if John doesn't sense a hint of nervousness, then everything's fine. He's just gotta keep this creepy grin on.

John fumbles for his lighter and plays with it for awhile. Then, when Bobby thinks that everything's in the clear, his confusion is out of John's mind, John shifts his eyes up with his head down and nods like it's the most obvious thing in the world. Well, it _is_ the obvious thing in the world.

* * *

A few days before, John was strolling through this store. He saw this gay guy- it was real _obvious_ that the guy was gay- and this straight guy- it could've been a gay guy who was really, really good at covering up his gay-ness, buying linen cloths.

Okay, so there was no straight guy. What kind of straight guy would be caught buying linens? Actually, what kind of guy would be in this linen store? At that moment, John was wondering why he was even in there.

So, the gay guy goes up to this salesman and asks, "Do you think my friend looks gay?"

The salesman examined the 'straight' guy closely… in an almost flirty way. The 'straight' guy had this loose Ramones T-shirt on: not gay. He crossed his arms in an almost graceful way: gay. He had this look on his face that said, 'Say I'm gay and I'll deck your face': not gay. But at the same time, the look on his face said, 'Hey, you're kinda cute'.

The salesman answered, "Gay, most definitely."

John looked like that guy.

* * *

A few days before, Bobby was in the library. Why not the mansion's library? Because the mansion doesn't cover the, oh, so popular world of gay life.

So he strolled around the aisle that held the gay/lesbian/bi/trans books, acting like this was all normal, like everyone goes through that aisle and checks out the dusty, dusty, 1970s books. No one does. Anyway, someone approached the aisle and Bobby panicked, so he buried his head into one of the books. Sadly, it was a book about gay marriage. 'Do you, Robert Drake, take St. John Allerdyce to be your lawfully wedded husband?'

The guy didn't pay much attention to Bobby and went straight for the book 'Gay Destination Spots' and in small text 'Any form of hate crime due to destination informed by this book is not punishable by law.' So Bobby was sure every gay bonanza destination spot there, is full of gay bashers. He hopes you have a great time getting your head cracked open.

An image of the horror movie from the little movie marathon awhile back passed through Bobby's mind.

Bobby eyed the guy that was reading about the gay destinations (broken rib, guaranteed). He looked kinda like John. But it wasn't John because John would have his lighter in his hand. Plus, he wouldn't be caught dead in this section of the library- wait, he wouldn't be caught dead in a library. Plus, John's eyes usually glow with destruction. The guy's glowed with rainbow.

"You're getting married?" the guy asked. Bobby yelped. But then again, it is his fault; he _was_ the one holding the gay marriage book.

"Nah. No. Not at all. Never hope to. Just looking." Bobby was sure he was doing a bad job with his cover.

The guy soon engaged in conversation, "One day, I saw my best friend with this gay magazine. I thought that it really wasn't a gay magazine. Maybe it was a joke. Anyway, I started subscribing to them and all and then my best friend saw my mail and found out. Then I panicked and started making some lame excuses. Then right then and there, he says to me that he's gay.

"Then we avoided each other. Started thinking that we couldn't be friends anymore. Then one day, he sneaks into my room and sits next to me. I wake up and next thing I know, he kisses me."

Then next thing Bobby knew, he was running out of the library. And he was still carrying the gay marriage book.


	3. An Episode of 'Gay or Not Gay'

The one thing on John's mind is that he's not the only confused guy at the mansion. If Bobby's confused too, who else is confused? Peter? Mr. Summers? The Big X, himself…? Okay, maybe not the last one. He can't imagine a girl cradled in X's lap, kissing like there's no tomorrow, much less a guy. So maybe, John and Bobby are the _only_ ones confused.

But if he can get Bobby to admit that the magazine is his- fat chance, it's like telling Logan that Rogue's not in love with him-, then he's going to be sure and he'll actually meet someone who's gay and he didn't meet in a store that shouts gay with their linen cloths.

"There aren't many Robert Drakes," John says as he, coolly as he can without getting hard as he brushes again Bobby, to pick up the magazine, "in the mansion."

John flips through the pages like he's never seen a gay magazine up close, like he's never 'read' a gay magazine. He's getting a huge thrill up his body as Bobby shifts awkwardly. John's not one to torture his friend with these kinds of antics… okay, he is. But he doesn't _always_ torture Bobby like this. He always just throws a fireball, for lack of a better word (curse those thesauruses. Once, after fruitlessly looking up a better word for fireball, John stomped on the mansion's only thesaurus, set it on fire, threw papers on it, and made a huge bonfire before the sprinklers went off and Mr. Summers screamed his head off. The next day, John bought a new thesaurus), at Bobby. One little burn always tortures Bobby for a week.

* * *

After making a beeline toward the exit of the library, Bobby noticed that he had a book about gay marriage. Not that it's a bad thing to have a book about it, but it's not a good thing either. What if someone sees the rainbow, rainbow, rainbow colors splashed all over the book? Or what if someone sees the gay and lesbian couples cuddled all over? Or what if someone see Bobby getting hard at the sight of the Johnny look-alike?

That would be catastrophic!

"Hey, Bobby." Bobby looked up from the book that was covered under his blanket. You wanna know what the book was? The sole gay, gay, gay book that he stole from the library.

"What's up? What're you reading?" Jubilee asked. It was nights after the creepy movie when she actually found a dead dog sprawled on the front lawn, but you could tell that Jubilee wasn't sleeping so well. There were dark circles under her Chinese eyes. She hadn't even bothered to put her hair up in a weird, foreign fashion that it looked like a messy dog. No, worse, the girl who had her face clawed up by the dead dog after she killed the dead dog again using her teeth while the blood splattered every which way.

"Uh, uh… er… um… nothing?" Bobby immediately put a small ice wall between him and Jubilee and scrambled out of bed, making the book fall to the ground, where Jubilee could see, despite ice wall.

"Gay marriage, huh, Bobby? Who's the lucky guy? Am I invited? Are you going to wear a rainbow suit? Tell me, did you already have sex with the guy?" Jubilee grinned like a maniac and what was worse about what she said was that they were in the entertainment room with Logan, Kitty, and Professor X, himself!

"No, no, I'm not gay. There's no guy, no wedding, no suit, no sex, nothing. I- I just found it!"

"And then you bought it and then you read it and then now, you're planning a fabulous wedding!"

At that moment, Bobby leapt up and started throwing ice at Jubilee, who broke the ice, sending the shattering pieces everywhere, some landing in Logan's hair.

* * *

John, that day, didn't hear about the gay wedding Bobby was having. No, he was at the linen store again, hoping to catch another episode of 'Gay or Not Gay'… because it was entertaining… He was _not_ looking to get a date!

So John stalked his way toward the linen section of the linen store, and weirdly enough, there was the same guy who called the 'straight' guy gay. While, searching through the wonderful world of cottons and polyester cloths, the gay-calling salesman, sauntered his way toward John, who was having a panic episode because _he_ didn't want to be the one to be called gay!

Slipping his arm onto John's shoulder, the salesman whispered, "Go for the cotton. It's _soft_." The way he said soft, it was like a death threat to John. Not because he was being hit on- because it was quite flattering- because he was going to star in the new episode of 'Gay or Not Gay' starring the creepy, gay salesman and John Allerdyce a. k. a. Pyro!

Wait, that's it. He's Pyro, a pyromaniac. He can burn this fucking guy's ass off. With one swift click of the Zippo, John immediately set the polyester (because he's not really a fan of how rough it feels compared to the cotton) on fire, wasting about $7.99.

"You're- you're a mutant!" the salesman yelped. He, quickly, backed off, and threw whatever other cloth he could find, hopefully polyester. And because of the stupid action the gay salesman did, the cloths burned and spread and soon they were practically licking the salesman's shaved legs- which makes you wonder, what does this guy do at night?

"You're- you're gay!" John said and stifled to laugh. He let the water from the ceiling burn his fire away.

The only reason John got out was because he made the salesman promise that he would take the blame, or John would come back and burn _all_ the linen cloths in the whole store.

* * *

"The reason there aren't… any Robert Drakes… in the mansion… is because… I… wanted to give this to you!" Yeah, because that's a great answer and it'll steer the question away from you and to John.

* * *

_Okay, well, I just wanted to update and I'm watching TV while writing this so it's not that good or not that humorous, but the next part is the last part because I've got more fan fictions than I can handle and I'm pretty busy._


End file.
